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It always gets better

A month has gone by; a month of Miss Sunshine being unwell, hospitalization for a few days and gradual recovery. And once again, I am amazed by my daughter’s strength and resilience; that even in her suffering she is able to enjoy life, smile, laugh and play when I find it hard just to see her unwell. I must admit that this time it’s been harder than before, probably because it was so unexpected. I just figured we were dealing with her usual manageable symptoms so I had not even thought of a possible hospital admission.

But today, I want to focus on the bright side. The fact that Miss S has bounced back and even managed to go to school today. The fact that little by little she’s getting to experience her small joys- being with her cousins, going to play areas and just having fun.

The fact that we had almost a whole month together, mostly indoors, with nothing to do but just be. It was claustrophobic some of the time, maybe restrictive but we were together; no pressures, no schedules; only focusing on her recovery.

I appreciate the fact that I am practicing letting go, there’s nothing more I can do to protect her, I have to let her live her life fully and just do the best I can to minimize her symptoms when she falls sick.

I am so grateful that we are back to living our lives fully because it has reduced the frustration and overwhelming feelings that I was experiencing when all I was focusing on was her being unwell. I know as a result of the helplessness I felt seeing her suffering once again, I had so much pent up frustration which unfortunately resulted in a number of outbursts once we were back home when she was getting better. And I appreciate that I can now forgive myself for the outbursts and I am finding ways to react in such unexpected stressful situations. Another reason I’m grateful that we’re back to our normal routines is because the time together became our ‘normal’ so Miss S became so used to our time together, that she became clingy and irritable when I was even away from her for a few minutes when she needed me. And this separation anxiety was a bad trigger for us in the past week. But today has been refreshing, her having her morning at school- which she had missed so much- and myself at work.

The main reason I am grateful is that despite everything, I have Miss Sunshine. I have a happy, healthy, loving, bubbly, bright, funny, strong willed and fulfilled little girl. Nothing beats having her. Storms will come and they will pass. We’ll take whatever life throws at us. I have her and she has me, and that’s what I’m focusing on,

My precious Sunshine, I love you and will always love you the mostest and the bestest.

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She’s taking the driver’s seat

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Following a post I read today, loved and re-blogged (The Uninfluenced Mummy by lovelifeandlunacy), I’m challenging myself this weekend to let my little preschooler take the lead. That post was a breath of fresh air reminding me how the need to keep up with the Joneses doesn’t stop even in parenting. That’s probably why parents tend to keep comparing sleeping- through- the- night stories, who’s toilet trained before whom, which child has a bigger, better birthday party, who has a well behaved child and who has a constantly tantruming toddler…and it’s so subtle, we probably don’t even know it’s happening.

And couldn’t that be where most of the parenting frustrations come from? The need to be the best, when all the little ones want is us and our best. All they want is quality time playing and being attentive to them. They do not need to be spruced in their best outfits, posing for pretty pictures, being rushed from activity to activity just to give them the best. Whose benefit is it for? Us or them?

I want Miss Sunshine to have the best of the world but more than that I want her to have the best of me and the best of life through her experiences. So that means, relaxing a little bit and letting her take the lead. Following her cues. Letting her be…letting go. Yes, I’m her mama, I may be older and somewhat wiser, but in the long run she is and will always be the expert of herself. That doesn’t mean letting go of the big decisions; it just means I want to try and live like a child in a way, and Miss S is the best person who can teach me that. It’s time to stop, smell the roses and water her trees… stop, look at the butterflies with wonder…stop and notice every little thing we pass on the road as we walk…stop and just let things be without having a plan for every little thing…stop and question whatever seizes my imagination in this great big world…stop, giggle and sing at the top of my voice.

I’m following you Miss S…lead the way. This will be the start of more Yes and less No

Uninfluenced mummy…thank you!

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The Big 3!

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Happy 3rd birthday princess!

My precious girl turned 3 exactly a week ago and it’s probably because the birthday week has been so fun- filled that I haven’t had a chance to blog.

I am filled with so much joy and gratitude when I think of the past 3 years. Miss Sunshine’s been a true miracle… When I think of her earlier years and how afraid I was because of her poor health and then I look at this robust, vocal, independent and very happy girl, I am amazed. And so thankful.

I know every child is unique, an angel and yet I feel this so wholly with Miss S. I look at her great ability to empathize and feel another’s pain and her need to make everyone happy, I think of how many times she has the ability to change my frown into a smile, I remember how many of her prayers are answered so instantly and I see how she can do anything to make the people she loves happy… Her generosity of spirit, her sensitivity and compassion never cease to amaze me. And that’s why I wish I could give her the world, because she asks for so little and is content with any little thing.

This year, her birthday had an animal theme. She has always loved animals- especially wild animals; but now she loves rabbits as well and loves playing with them at my work place. So everything, from the house decorations to her cake and activity for the day was animal related. And from the minute she walked down and saw the house, her face was euphoric; hearing her say ‘wow, God has given me so many gifts,’ was worth every hour spent preparing. For months she’d said all she wanted for her birthday was a tree, so for her actual birthday she had a flower tree from my parents to plant in a special pot; and she will still plant her trees so she can see them in years to come. Even now, I don’t understand where she got the concept of a tree from, and how that could be all she wanted. Her thoughts surprise me every single day. Needless to say, the rest of her day was perfect for her- visiting the animals at the orphanage, receiving birthday calls from so many people, seeing her animal themed cake and cutting it and having dinner with family… and still her birthday month goes on.

But I don’t mean to say that Miss S is not an ordinary pre- schooler with her own fights for independence, frustration and tantrums… she is. And I think because so often she’s so mature I tend to forget that she’s still a young child and has the right to behave like a small child. So it helps me to take time and remember that despite being mature for her age, she is allowed to just be 3. And her birthday week and birthday month give me a long time to celebrate her and be thankful for her and appreciate that I have the most special gift in the world.

So this year my dearest Sunshine I wish you sunlight as bright as you, family and friends who are as loving and supportive as you are, dreams that make you soar… I pray you are always surrounded by God’s grace, love, joy, peace and utter contentment and that you will always see the beauty in everything like you do now. I pray that you will always have a song to sing and a voice that can be heard. My dearest S, I wish you success…your own version of success… May your light always shine bright, may your voice always be as sweet, may your heart always be as pure, may you always know unconditional love… I wish you the best of everything…from my mouth to God’s ears.

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Blessings sweetheart!
You are incomparably loved

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Reflecting on the past three years

The more things change, the more they remain the same…

My precious girl,
It feels like we’ve spent a lifetime together because I can hardly remember a time without you. And as I sit here I realize even though you’re growing older and so much has changed, a lot remains the same. Being almost 3 means you’re more fluent and vocal, more independent and strong willed, toilet trained, ready for school and you sleep easily through the night. And something new that amazed me about a week ago was watching you draw your 1st person. Looking at that picture makes me smile so much because it shows me how you’re steadily growing and learning so much every single minute.

Yet what amazes me even more is how many things remain the same as you grow:

I thought by the time you were this age I’d know more, be an expert on parenting…but what I’ve discovered is that even as you grow, there’s more to learn, more challenges to face, more growth. You’re growing daily, changing daily so I’m getting to know a little new part of you every day. So I’m sure, even when you’re 12, I’ll still feel the ‘newness’ of parenting.

Separation anxiety- thought we were through with that whole phase and then a couple of months ago, there it was again. One day I was getting ready to go to work and you insisted you didn’t want me to leave…and that became your usual mantra whenever I was leaving for work. For a few weeks it was so heart wrenching leaving you, it felt like we were back to a year ago. It’s so easy to forget the past until it happens again. Things are back to normal now but what keeps me going even during the periods of separation anxiety is the thought that you don’t want me to leave just because you love me and want to be with me. And as long as I’ve prepared you and you know I’ll come back, you will always get through this.

Your cries still have the power to break me. They still pierce me. It’s taken a lot of adjustment to accept that it’s okay and healthy for you to cry. To accept that not wanting you to cry is more about how I grew up, in an age when children were encouraged not to cry or told to ‘stop crying.’ I’m still learning to hold you as you cry and let you feel and let out whatever emotions you’re feeling without trying to distract you or ‘make you happy.’ I’m learning to accept responsibility for how I feel when you cry as opposed to unconsciously making you feel guilty for my helplessness in that situation. I want you to grow up knowing that it’s okay for you to feel any emotion, so as to deal with it and express it healthily.

When you were younger, you were sick a lot and you falling sick became one of my greatest fears. That hasn’t changed at all. In fact, I need to work on that. As a result of the constant sickness during your infancy, how much I love you and how helpless I felt each time you were sick or we were in hospital, each time you have even a minor flu or a recurrence of any of your previous symptoms, I’m helpless once again. My life stops, at least mentally. I go through the motions but internally I’m just suffering, trying to protect you, even when you don’t need protecting. I know that’s about me. All that traumatized me and I need to deal with that so I don’t project my powerlessness to you.

I love you so so much, more every day. I didn’t know that was possible but when I see you in the morning, watch you sleep at night, I’m still amazed that you are mine. I want you to know that I mean it when I tell you are such a special gift to me and it is an honour to be given the job to be your mama.

Your love, your warmth,your sensitivity; just grows in leaps and bounds. You have a heart of gold my Sunshine and that hasn’t changed, it just keeps growing.

You still love gymnastics and reading, but you’ve found time to nurture more passions- dancing, singing, gardening… Guess that’s why all you want this birthday is a tree. It always strikes me how you’re inherently your own person, developing interests that aren’t necessarily mine. I have little or no interest in nature but you love trees and animals. I cannot even somersault but you taught yourself that and much more. I hope I’ll always help you be the best version of yourself and not just a copy- cat version of anyone else. I love you just as you are.

You still make the biggest difference in my life. Time hasn’t changed that, I doubt it ever will. You made a difference when you were born, you still make a difference in My life. You changed and are still changing my world.

Even now, when you sleep, you want to hold my hand. That is the best feeling. Your little hand wrapped around one finger, or part of my hand. That is enough to make my day.

You still love giraffes. And you’ve added rabbits and flamingos to your animal loves.

I know there is still so much more I can’t remember right now, but the most important thing, you still are and will always be my precious baby, my Sunshine, my adorable girl and my blessing.

Happy Birthday Eve my love

I love you, always and forever

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What August means to me

It’s August once again, Miss Sunshine’s birthday month and I’m reminded once again why I started blogging. She is the reason, my precious almost 3 year old who has been teaching me so much.

Before Miss Sunshine, I was sure of my life’s purpose- mental health awareness. I was driven towards alleviating mental distress and suffering. I thought I was prepared and knew most of what parenting would be about. Enter Miss Sunshine and I realized I knew nothing! (At least practically.) I know this is said all the time; that parenting is wonderful and challenging but I think what is forgotten is how unique and different each journey is. So since Miss Sunshine, my passion has subtly changed…I am passionate about being a gentle, respectful parent; a loving mother… I am passionate about having the best relationship with Miss S and growing with her…I am passionate towards helping her discover and reach her potential… I am passionate towards helping in creating a generation of children who have been taught that they are loved, respected, worthwhile and grow up believing this. I am still just as passionate towards mental health awareness and intervention, but now I also realize that one of the many ways to do this is to give Miss S and her generation of other little ones the best emotional start so that they have a holistic development. So, this is why I write.

As I said despite the beauty of being a parent, there have been challenges. Challenges because parenting doesn’t come with a guide book. What’s worthwhile about the challenges is what you learn from them. You learn what works and what doesn’t. So another reason I love blogging is because as I write I’m able to see when I’ve messed up and what I’ve learnt, and hopefully help others too.

If you had asked me 5 years ago, what my goals in life were, they were mainly driven by my career as a psychologist. But now, today, and as of 3 years ago, this is why I know I’m here:
To be the best mama to Miss S, to parent her with love and respect.
To always recognize how special she is, appreciate her and show her so she’ll always be aware of her self concept-her uniqueness and individuality and appreciate it.
To show her every day that she makes a difference, to me and the world.
To laugh and learn and play together as we grow.
To acknowledge when I’m wrong, apologize and make things right.
To make a difference, first to her, then to the world.
Most importantly to let Miss S always know that now and forever I’ll always be her cheerleader, always support, always encourage, unconditionally love. And that means whether she’s good or bad, smart or not, ‘successful’ or not, she’s my Sunshine, and the way I feel about her will never ever change.

And as I’m impacting the life of my Sunshine, I’ll still strive to make a big difference in mental health awareness. It’s just that she will always come first. Each and every person needs someone who will put them first, be their no 1 fan and cheerleader…and I choose now and always to be her person. I know how much it means to feel loved and cherished unconditionally. So daily I strive to worthy of the title ‘Mama Sunshine.’

My Sunshine, thank you for this momentous role!

Happy Birthday month!

I love you

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Annie and Farm Heroes Saga… A long way to Self- Control

I think as parents we operate on the premise, ‘do as I say but not as I do’, a lot of the time. Yet research has proven that from the time they’re infants, children model our behaviour. That’s how they learn to talk, socialize, express themselves… So we are teaching much more from our actions than our words.

I have a practical example, since my sister- in- law introduced me to Farm Heroes Saga (the mobile application), I have become an addict 😦 So I spend lots of my spare time playing the game, as I strive so hard to win and move up a level. And I will be up many nights struggling to complete a level I’ve been stuck on, even after convincing myself that I’ll only play for 5 more minutes. The desire to win just keeps pushing me and of course because there’s no final end, it means I could just go on and on and on. So where’s my self control and will power? The part of my brain that will say “that’s enough for today, this is just a Time- Waster, do something more productive, like sleep, for example.”

I thought of this yesterday because of Miss Sunshine. She’s never been a television child, she prefers books or music. The only videos she likes are sing- a- longs because she gets to sing and dance. So I’ve never had the problem of her being glued to the TV, and I’ve been grateful for that. However, lately there’s one exception- the musical ‘Annie.’ Both the old version and the 2014 version. She loves them because of the songs. I introduced her to Annie, because I’ve always loved it, but I didn’t think she’d take to it like she does. Most mornings, she’ll wake up and ask me, “can I watch Annie today, mama?” and most days I’ll say “no, you only watch it once a week.” She doesn’t ever watch the complete movie, she watches it in bits so she doesn’t spend over an hour on TV. Yesterday when she asked me, I found it hard to understand why she asks every day when I’ve already told her it’s just once a week. Then I remembered how she’ll also ask for just five more minutes in the shower, or one more story, or one more book or five more minutes in her favorite play area. I know that at her age, her self control isn’t developed yet, which is why I have to do it externally, but I think I was magically expecting that the more I say it and put reasonable limits, the easier it is for her to develop self control. And that’s what got me thinking of myself and Farm Heroes. I’m already an adult, with a mature brain so I should be able to exercise self control and yet I can push myself for hours playing a game which I’d promised myself to stop an hour before, so how do I expect my 2 year old with a still developing Frontal Lobe to be so self disciplined when she’s constantly watching and modelling my behaviour?

That was a huge Reality Check for me. Right now, I’m Sunshine’s biggest role model, chiefly because of the amount of time she spends with me. And that’s true for most infants/ toddlers and their parents. They come to us as open books and soak up all they see, just like sponges. So, if I tell her I’m watching my favourite series for just five minutes, which then extends to an hour, how will she learn how to be self controlled, if she hasn’t seen me do the same? How will she learn that she doesn’t have to eat a whole bar of chocolate but can save some for tomorrow, if she hasn’t seen me save some of my ‘chocolate’ for tomorrow? How will she learn to be calm when she’s angry, if she sees me shout when I’m angry? And it all starts with the small things- the Farm Heroes, in each of our lives.

It’s a compliment to have a little ‘shadow’ in our lives, mirroring all we say and do. But with the compliment comes the challenge of making sure we’re worthy of that great role, portraying a life that’s worth reflecting. Children learn what they live, so right now, it is up to me to start living the way I want Sunshine to live, instead of just saying it.

Gandhi was right when he said, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ We can keep complaining about the world but if we do nothing, it remains the same. Our children are the greatest gift and we can change the world by being the best version of ourselves so that our children reflect that and are the best version of themselves.

And I start now. With Farm Heroes saga. Only to be played for limited minutes a day, and whenever I feel like carrying on to ask myself if I want to expose Sunshine to 1+ hours of Annie every day. I have to make a difference starting now.

Once again, thank you my Sunshine for helping me want to be a better me, not just for you, but for myself as well. Love you always

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Mama! Open door…..pleeeeeeeease

It’s been toooo long since my last post… I don’t even have an excuse. I keep writing posts in my head…but in my head they stay…probably there are too many memorable Sunshine toddler moments 🙂

But today I’ve committed to writing, maybe because I’m so unused to this alone me- time in the house? See a long time ago privacy became non- existent, because as long as we’re in the same place, the little miss wants to be wherever I am. But today she’s out with my sister, so I got home to a quiet house, and even though it hasn’t even been an hour I miss the being followed everywhere and endless chatting.

Any minute now, I keep waiting to hear a knock on the bedroom door and a sweet voice saying, “Mamaaa! Open door….pleeeeease.” The ‘please’ is always pulled, high pitched and said with the sweetest smile ever. Trust me whenever she uses her ‘please’ it’s impossible to deny whatever request she has.

Before, she just used to reach the door, whichever door it was, bathroom, toilet, bedroom… and shout “dooooor!” and sometimes, “Mama, door!” Then moved to “Open door,” until she realized when she adds that sweet “please” the door opens faster. And now after the “Mama! Open door, pleeeeease,” she adds, “Belle, here,” just in case I didn’t recognize her adorable voice. 🙂 How sweet is that? See why I miss her so much?

You know sometimes I wonder, because that sweet ‘pleeeease’ melts my heart so much, isn’t it possible that she could say, “Mama, throw phone, pleeeeeeease,” and I’ll let her?

Honestly I can’t believe she’ll be 21 months on Monday. Cliché as it may sound, she is growing up so fast! I’m already missing my little girl…considering that my baby is now becoming a very independent, wanting-to-make-her-own-choices/ decisions toddler and we have to come to a compromise on almost everything (no more blindly following mama and just wearing a jacket because she says so :-))

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A mother’s prerogative

Before my little one came, I didn’t understand why mothers could talk non- stop about their kids. And I definitely didn’t think I’d join the bandwagon…but alas, I not only joined it but become the leader 🙂 For now nearly every word from my mouth, every observation, every comment is Sunshine- related. Guess that’s why they say ‘never say never.’

But you know what, I have no apologies for that, and feel no guilt. We talk about what we feel passionate about, what makes us happy, what gives our lives meaning…and that’s what my baby girl does for me.

And now I see, it is my prerogative…it is every parent’s prerogative. It is ok for me to talk about each new wonder, each memorable moment, each tooth, each step, each fall…the smiles, the hugs, the laughter…even the tantrums…because, this is my new world…my fascinating new world 🙂

Before, I felt guilty that in my eyes, Ss is the most precious child ever. I look at her and I melt in her beautiful big eyes, she’s the sweetest and loveliest and oh so bubbly and full of life…and just like her name, beautiful inside and out, with a heart full of love. But now I no longer feel guilty finding her the most perfect in my eyes, because if I don’t, who will? I think that God created every little child to be the most perfect in his/ her parents’ eyes so that each child will always be perfect to someone and mean the world to someone…so it’s my prerogative and every parent’s to appreciate every little bit of our babies… I don’t think it’s vanity or pride, I feel that the way I feel about my Sunshine being a masterpiece is the way God feels about me being His child…and oh, how comforting that is. And I know it will never matter what she does with her life, what she grows up to look like, whether she’ll be first, last or in- between or what the rest of the world says about Ss, for me she’ll always be the little bit of perfection she’s been since I first saw her.

And so every morning when I wake up and look at my Ss and feel the joy of witnessing God’s perfection in her, I will not feel guilty for appreciating all that she is, all that she has and all that she gives.

Here’s to my precious, beautiful, loving bundle of joy!

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Badly worn stockings and a stolen phone…

So this is how the day began… waking up late, so rushing to get to work and of course rushing my lil’ one in the process 😦 (I don’t usually work on Mondays so Sunshine and I normally have a day to recover from the over active or sleepless weekend…story for another day…) Ss is at the stage where she loves to help dress herself and usually I have no problem with how long it takes, but today I just kept thinking how late I was going to be. So here’s my darling girl after a diaper change, she’s gotten a hold of her stockings and is struggling to wear them. And impatient mama is just thinking ‘tick tock tick tock’… So even though I know it’ll end in disaster, I try to at least put a foot in the right direction and right on cue, Ss grabs the stockings shouting ‘mine’ and tugs them off so we’re back to the start. Then I try distraction techniques, “let mama help you so you can go have…(and I proceed to name everything she likes for breakfast)” but she’s too smart and she just pulls them away with more “mine!” So I decide, fine, I’ll just give her some more time. And the struggles continue, one foot in, up one leg goes, another foot in, and yes, 2nd leg in…and at that point I’m all smiles, so proud of my lil’ one (much harder to wear stockings than tights/ leggings/ trousers) and then I notice the stockings are back to front. And for a moment I think maybe she can just wear them that way the whole day… but I change my mind because they might be uncomfortable, let her know they’re back to front, yank them off and proceed to try and help her with the first foot in so they end up being the right way round. At that point I’m sure my dear girl is wondering what’s wrong with me, why I’ve ruined her hard work and just can’t let her do anything alone… so of course there’s some more angry “mine!!!” and thereafter even with the stockings right way around, Ss somehow crosses her foot and inevitably keeps putting her foot in the wrong stocking leg. So can you believe at some point I got really irritated…me, attachment parent, connecting mama me? And I was actually walking away in exasperation until it occurred to me, my being late was not Ss’ fault, I could have woken up earlier… she was actually being a perfect lil’ girl, helping out her mummy, exerting her independence, learning new skills and practising them, so I had no right to be frustrated…maybe with the ‘almost late for work’ situation, but not with her. Well, eventually, stockings were on right way round and we were ready for breakfast 🙂 and I was even given a cheery ‘bye’, ‘day’ for good day, ‘love you’ and ‘bless’ for God bless with no tears whatsoever. 😀

The whole way to work I was still feeling guilty about being short with Ss during the stocking situation, so I wasn’t at my best. I kept thinking of how children grow up so fast and how I can’t take these moments for granted. And I know it’s human to mess up sometimes but I just felt guilty because she is so sweet and undemanding. Good thing with such moments is I get a reality check and find ways to adjust things in my life so I’m not short changing her. I felt even worse when I arrived to find office closed, clients not arrived… because I just thought of how Ss and I could have read some books in the morning like we usually do…

Now some time later, when I was in the middle of clients and just stepped out to the bathroom for a minute, I go back to my office to find an empty desk where I’d left my phone. As I’d mentioned I don’t work on Mondays, but I’ve been sitting in for my mentor who’s travelled. I used to work with her so I know this office like the back of my hand…it’s usually very safe. We leave phones, tablets, bags…step out, with no worries whatsoever. And for some reason I’d had a nagging feeling today and shut the door, I even alerted another doctor I’d walked out. And on the way met our receptionist, which means the office was empty for about a minute. What infuriated all of us about this theft was the fact that we suspected for various reasons that it’s actually a staff member who took it because there were no outsiders around there at that time. It’s even better to lose a phone randomly rather than feel you can’t trust those around! So myself, the other doctor and the receptionist ended up having a really harrowing afternoon, following leads, playing a cat and mouse game with the thief who was not able to switch off the phone and therefore kept having to pick the calls we made from other phones and misdirecting us (probably to lead us away from where he actually was). Well anyway, all this is not so important, what is that I’d thought if THIS particular phone got destroyed, misplaced, lost or stolen I’d be a wreck not because of the phone itself but because of what it represents to me…my attachment to Ss…it has 16Gb worth of her memories, because everyday I will take numerous photos and sometimes videos, record her singing or talking…daily milestones, funny things, memorable moments and I felt if I lost it that I’d have lost irreplaceable memories. It’s not just the phone, even when I think of any of her footage on the camera memory cards getting lost, I get devastated. I had a brief moment when I felt that loss today, a deep loss when I thought of what the stolen phone means to me… but in a moment I remembered that I cannot control the world, these things happen…it’s not even close to the end of the world… And I have what’s most important, my little Sunshine. So I may have lost a month’s worth of footage, I had probably backed up the rest, but still, it’s not the photos/ videos that are as important as the moments we’re having when we take them. So even if I forget a certain moment, it’s ok, because the moment itself in which we had fun, it will always be a part of our lives 🙂 I guess that’s something I needed to learn, I was placing too much attachment to the things I associate with Belle, and it’s so liberating to discover that the fear I had of losing some of her ‘memories’ was actually greater than the actual happening. (Told you she teaches me a little something every day :-))

But just for the record, here are some other reasons I miss my missing phone (which I still believe will turn up)

  • It was my last birthday gift from my hubby
  • It was an amazing phone, that I would probably never buy myself because I’m not a gadgets person…but now that I got to use it I’m spoiled and will always compare other phones to it and feel they fall short
  • Because of it’s clarity and huuuge storage capacity, I could watch numerous videos of Ss at anytime, listen to her sing and that would make me smile
  • It was easy to update all her milestones and new developments on certain baby applications (which I didn’t back up)
  • It was my diary/ planner and so this week I have to fumble along trying to remember my client appointments, to do lists etc

But I have learnt, no more over reliance on any gadget 🙂

All in all, a drama- filled day. Let’s hope tomorrow is calmer

Love you Sunshine!

Over and out

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Happy 18 months love!

Midnight…my time…time to just enjoy inspirational music,read something… I’ve just done little miss’ hair; I love doing her hair, I find it so therapeutic and I love trying out new styles to express her vibrant personality 🙂

And now I have time to think of the past 18 months…this beautiful journey we’ve had together…it’s been so memorable,watching my little one explore and learn her world,watching her love and laugh and live…watching her try new things, get past frustrations and make new achievements… It’s been a time of growth for me too, I’ve found so much solace and peace,I’ve laughed more and also had my share of tears…tears of frustration when I feel lost and don’t know what to do to soothe my little one, tears when she’s sick and in pain, tears when I’m just tired and overwhelmed… But I’ve also experienced so much gratitude, I am so grateful to have my Sunshine, so grateful to have the most perfect gift,to be mother, friend and companion to this darling girl, gratitude that I can have so much love and happiness such that even when there are bad days, it doesn’t matter because I know they’ll pass, gratitude to have re- discovered life and to have learnt how to live in the present like little Ss does 😀

Many times people wonder why I celebrate her ‘birthday’ every month when she won’t even remember. Here’s why… I celebrate her life…even though I try to make every day of her life special, I like to make the 12th extra special to remind her how much she is loved, cherished and appreciated. It’s not so that she remembers the day, it’s so that she enjoys the present moment with or without memories. The joy we experience in life is accumulated,so we may not remember what has made us happy in life but if our lives have been filled with a collection of moments in which we experience love, joy, laughter, then we feel content. That’s what I want for her. An opportunity to always live in the present and make every moment memorable so that she will always be grateful for what she has. And this doesn’t require much effort,just making do with what’s there. For example, I sing for her each birthday,look for special things to do together, dress her in nice clothes and keep reminding here how special she is. And because life is unexpected, I don’t know what the day will bring,I remember one of her 12ths she was sick in hospital, last month we lost my aunt… I can’t guarentee that it’ll be our best day, or that things won’t go wrong, what I can guarantee is that no matter what I’ll take time to celebrate her 18month life in any way I can and to make sure that I see her beautiful smile and hear get belly laugh as much as I can in the next 24 hours 😀

Sleep well my precious sunshine. Love you always and forever <3<3<3

 

Will post my message to you in the morning when I’m more coherent 😉