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It always gets better

A month has gone by; a month of Miss Sunshine being unwell, hospitalization for a few days and gradual recovery. And once again, I am amazed by my daughter’s strength and resilience; that even in her suffering she is able to enjoy life, smile, laugh and play when I find it hard just to see her unwell. I must admit that this time it’s been harder than before, probably because it was so unexpected. I just figured we were dealing with her usual manageable symptoms so I had not even thought of a possible hospital admission.

But today, I want to focus on the bright side. The fact that Miss S has bounced back and even managed to go to school today. The fact that little by little she’s getting to experience her small joys- being with her cousins, going to play areas and just having fun.

The fact that we had almost a whole month together, mostly indoors, with nothing to do but just be. It was claustrophobic some of the time, maybe restrictive but we were together; no pressures, no schedules; only focusing on her recovery.

I appreciate the fact that I am practicing letting go, there’s nothing more I can do to protect her, I have to let her live her life fully and just do the best I can to minimize her symptoms when she falls sick.

I am so grateful that we are back to living our lives fully because it has reduced the frustration and overwhelming feelings that I was experiencing when all I was focusing on was her being unwell. I know as a result of the helplessness I felt seeing her suffering once again, I had so much pent up frustration which unfortunately resulted in a number of outbursts once we were back home when she was getting better. And I appreciate that I can now forgive myself for the outbursts and I am finding ways to react in such unexpected stressful situations. Another reason I’m grateful that we’re back to our normal routines is because the time together became our ‘normal’ so Miss S became so used to our time together, that she became clingy and irritable when I was even away from her for a few minutes when she needed me. And this separation anxiety was a bad trigger for us in the past week. But today has been refreshing, her having her morning at school- which she had missed so much- and myself at work.

The main reason I am grateful is that despite everything, I have Miss Sunshine. I have a happy, healthy, loving, bubbly, bright, funny, strong willed and fulfilled little girl. Nothing beats having her. Storms will come and they will pass. We’ll take whatever life throws at us. I have her and she has me, and that’s what I’m focusing on,

My precious Sunshine, I love you and will always love you the mostest and the bestest.

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Liebstar Award!

The past few days have been so busy I’m feeling blogging withdrawal symptoms from not blogging. 😦

But before I post anything, I want to respond to these questions following my Liebster Award nomination by wordsandotherarts. https://donnamcmillen300.wordpress.com/2015/08/22/liebster-award-part-2.

Once again, thank you so much for nominating me 🙂

1. Where would you like to go on your dream vacation? Definitely Switzerland

2. What is your preferred genre of music? Soft classic rock and neo soul

3. What is your favorite meal? Chicken and chapati

4. What happened during the happiest day that you can remember? I’ve many to choose from but the one that stands out is the 1st time Miss Sunshine said, “I love you so much in the whole world” her version of my telling her “I love you more than anything in the whole world.” Nothing beats the joy in my heart that night.

5. What do you do for fun? Read a lot, write, listen to music and dance with Miss S, zumba, bake, knit sometimes, watch series, play with Miss S, swim…endless list.

6. What do you hope to accomplish with your blog? At first I started this blog as a continuation of my journals for Miss S, so she’d be able to have a record of her early life. And it was also an outlet for me as I love writing. Now I hope to make a difference in other parents’ lives by sharing my experiences.

7. If a genie came to you and said “Your wish is my command!” you would wish for . . .? A life of travel (I’ve got the travel bug from little Miss S who already has a list of places she wants to go.)

8. What was/is your favorite subject in school? English and Maths

9. Besides blogging, what is your favorite hobby? Reading, reading, reading and music is the icing on the cake

10. Do you prefer to read books or magazines? Books

11. What’s the last thing you think about before you go to… Miss S

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Reflecting on the past three years

The more things change, the more they remain the same…

My precious girl,
It feels like we’ve spent a lifetime together because I can hardly remember a time without you. And as I sit here I realize even though you’re growing older and so much has changed, a lot remains the same. Being almost 3 means you’re more fluent and vocal, more independent and strong willed, toilet trained, ready for school and you sleep easily through the night. And something new that amazed me about a week ago was watching you draw your 1st person. Looking at that picture makes me smile so much because it shows me how you’re steadily growing and learning so much every single minute.

Yet what amazes me even more is how many things remain the same as you grow:

I thought by the time you were this age I’d know more, be an expert on parenting…but what I’ve discovered is that even as you grow, there’s more to learn, more challenges to face, more growth. You’re growing daily, changing daily so I’m getting to know a little new part of you every day. So I’m sure, even when you’re 12, I’ll still feel the ‘newness’ of parenting.

Separation anxiety- thought we were through with that whole phase and then a couple of months ago, there it was again. One day I was getting ready to go to work and you insisted you didn’t want me to leave…and that became your usual mantra whenever I was leaving for work. For a few weeks it was so heart wrenching leaving you, it felt like we were back to a year ago. It’s so easy to forget the past until it happens again. Things are back to normal now but what keeps me going even during the periods of separation anxiety is the thought that you don’t want me to leave just because you love me and want to be with me. And as long as I’ve prepared you and you know I’ll come back, you will always get through this.

Your cries still have the power to break me. They still pierce me. It’s taken a lot of adjustment to accept that it’s okay and healthy for you to cry. To accept that not wanting you to cry is more about how I grew up, in an age when children were encouraged not to cry or told to ‘stop crying.’ I’m still learning to hold you as you cry and let you feel and let out whatever emotions you’re feeling without trying to distract you or ‘make you happy.’ I’m learning to accept responsibility for how I feel when you cry as opposed to unconsciously making you feel guilty for my helplessness in that situation. I want you to grow up knowing that it’s okay for you to feel any emotion, so as to deal with it and express it healthily.

When you were younger, you were sick a lot and you falling sick became one of my greatest fears. That hasn’t changed at all. In fact, I need to work on that. As a result of the constant sickness during your infancy, how much I love you and how helpless I felt each time you were sick or we were in hospital, each time you have even a minor flu or a recurrence of any of your previous symptoms, I’m helpless once again. My life stops, at least mentally. I go through the motions but internally I’m just suffering, trying to protect you, even when you don’t need protecting. I know that’s about me. All that traumatized me and I need to deal with that so I don’t project my powerlessness to you.

I love you so so much, more every day. I didn’t know that was possible but when I see you in the morning, watch you sleep at night, I’m still amazed that you are mine. I want you to know that I mean it when I tell you are such a special gift to me and it is an honour to be given the job to be your mama.

Your love, your warmth,your sensitivity; just grows in leaps and bounds. You have a heart of gold my Sunshine and that hasn’t changed, it just keeps growing.

You still love gymnastics and reading, but you’ve found time to nurture more passions- dancing, singing, gardening… Guess that’s why all you want this birthday is a tree. It always strikes me how you’re inherently your own person, developing interests that aren’t necessarily mine. I have little or no interest in nature but you love trees and animals. I cannot even somersault but you taught yourself that and much more. I hope I’ll always help you be the best version of yourself and not just a copy- cat version of anyone else. I love you just as you are.

You still make the biggest difference in my life. Time hasn’t changed that, I doubt it ever will. You made a difference when you were born, you still make a difference in My life. You changed and are still changing my world.

Even now, when you sleep, you want to hold my hand. That is the best feeling. Your little hand wrapped around one finger, or part of my hand. That is enough to make my day.

You still love giraffes. And you’ve added rabbits and flamingos to your animal loves.

I know there is still so much more I can’t remember right now, but the most important thing, you still are and will always be my precious baby, my Sunshine, my adorable girl and my blessing.

Happy Birthday Eve my love

I love you, always and forever

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A whole new world

This…motherhood, is a whole new world…a beautiful place…unimaginable…indescribable. I think I’m enjoying childhood more now than I did as a child. And it is fun! And all thanks to my little Sunshine. I laugh more, smile more, enjoy more, experience more; and this is from the little things. Who knew how much fun bouncing castles were, or bumper cars… Finger painting and making salt dough ornaments… Toilet roll crafts… Baking together… Even just rolling on the bed, dancing like a child… What about tickling each other, giggling and singing at the top of your voice? Do you know how interesting toddler books are? I had no idea pre- Sunshine.

The past weekend, we were at my niece’s Family Fun Day at her school and at the end of the day I said that was the highlight of my week! It was just a series of family friendly competitions, dancing, lots of cheering and a picnic. Yet you could tell that the parents were enjoying the eventful day even more than the children…we probably even cheered our teams more, I remember my sisters and I were creating cheers as we went along…all in all this con that there firmed that there is so much fulfillment we can get from the childlike things, yet we look for our joy and happiness in the big things. I remember taking part in the tug- of- war, I felt like I could fly; just a simple tug- of war. 🙂

So I know one of the lessons children are here to teach us more than anything-to enter this new world of theirs, this simple and easy yet so- fulfilling world.

So to Sunshine, my nieces and nephews, thank you for helping me experience your beautiful world.

Love you Sunshine, always and forever